This letter has been sent to you due to the continued defamation of our products in your “Humor” column.

If you don’t stop defaming our products, especially our Brass Monkey Statues and Statues® products, lawsuits will start. Your offenses are many.

March 17, 1991: You disregarded the proprietary welding techniques used in the manufacturing process of the Simian X-15 prototype lawn ornaments. I did. Our stern letter to you, dated April 1, 1991, was intended to reduce abuse of printer ink access. Unfortunately, your attacks on our product and reputation continued.

December 9, 2007: Your defamation has been resumed at our expense. We candidly acknowledge the unexpected surge in damage claims against the Brass Monkey Statues and Statues® in and around Flagstaff and Coconino counties. This is the result of moving our operations to offshore manufacturing facilities where quality control inspections were hampered by local taboos. Again, not our own fault.

January 6, 2008: Aren’t you ashamed? Just over a year after the previous criticism of our product and the Brass Monkey brand, you have been criticized again. It wasn’t that cold. NOAA weather data for the day showed that brass, even small spheres spot-welded, is affected by the temperature you believe causes damage to lawn upholstery in your area. These were products that were popular in your community.

December 6, 2009: You think you’re funny, Mr. Crapentar. We employ over 1,000 men and women in the manufacture, distribution and sale of our brass monkey statues and statues®. It disregards paid employment for hardworking citizens.

These brass objects that we produce are not intended to be displayed outdoors all year round. Our warranty clearly states that all Brass Monkey Statues and Statues® must be stored indoors where the temperature does not drop below 40 degrees Fahrenheit. Failure to do so will expose your Brass Monkey Statue or Statuette® to seasonal changes, effectively voiding your warranty. So we can see that your constant criticism of our products is, in effect, criticism of the people who buy our products, not of us.

If you continue to defame our brand and imply that our products are frost-damaged and defective, we will immediately seek a temporary restraining order against you and any accomplices in this matter in district court. We also seek monetary damages that can be proven in court.

You will not receive another warning letter. If you do not confirm in writing that you are no longer defaming our products, litigation will commence immediately.

[Name withheld upon advice of counsel]