This piece is satirical.

Horoscopes? Probably nonsense. And talk therapy? Right up there with that. The only real way to grasp someone’s mindset seems to be by checking their Spotify activity.

One individual is claiming to have accessed Spotify playlists from various well-known politicians and media figures. It’s said they’ve been tracking these playlists for over a year now. “The Panama Papers revealed hidden bank accounts, which then hinted at hidden preferences,” an unnamed investigator said.

Politicians and celebrities have allegedly compiled dubious playlists based on public listening data from prominent individuals, with one Twitter user commenting on how their own playlist isn’t too cringe, but pointing out that others… well, let’s just say they might raise eyebrows.

These hidden tastes can be classified into a few categories:

The Best in Class

For instance, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’s “Hodge Podge Mix” actually features a decent track called Hodge Podge, along with songs from Johnny Cash, Glen Campbell, and the Beach Boys. He’s even praised a lesser-known left-wing journalist, Taylor Lorenz, for her playlists. House Speaker Mike Johnson offers hits from the ’80s like “Don’t You (Forget Abort Me)” and a Cyndi Lauper single, which, it’s rumored, he noted down on Pandora. He seemed reluctant to hop on the Spotify trend.

Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff rounds out this category with a vibrant playlist including “California Girls” and “Get Retards,” which somehow makes sense in this context.

It’s Music, I Think

It’s more than just noise, yet, it’s certainly not great. It resonates through Walmart stores nationwide. Meanwhile, White House press secretary Caroline Leavitt’s “Baby Shower” playlist gives insight into her life. Tracks like “Run the World (Girls)” and “My Girl” hint at her impending motherhood.

Democratic Representative Rashida Tlaib also seems to reflect some personal struggles in her “In Love” playlist, featuring Ed Sheeran’s “I’m a Mess” and Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me.” It has that darker, introspective vibe – quite different from her more outwardly political stance.

Then there’s Jacob Helberg, Trump’s candidate for Secretary of State. His go-to track, confusingly, is just labeled “Apple.” No real explanation as to why. It seems like some TikTok flavors could have slipped in there, too.

“Brat Summer” may be over, but the votes are still terrible.

I’m Worried

Vice President JD Vance, well, I’m unsure about his playlist-making skills. His choices scream of emo phases. Death Cab for Cutie doesn’t quite fit in with One Direction though. OpenAI CEO Sam Altman has reportedly got a thing for Missy Elliott’s “Get Ur Freak On,” leading one to wonder about his own vibe.

Hakeem Jeffries, the House Democrats’ leader, shares his playlist with his wife, humorously titled “Galentine.” It’s packed with empowerment anthems and celebrates female friendship in a fun way.

Attorney General Pam Bondi has a straightforward playlist named “Pam.” It doesn’t exactly stand out, but at least it’s unapologetic.

Cut Off the Ears, I’m Not Using Them Anyway

The last category is perhaps the most curious, featuring playlists from the imprisoned FTX founder, Sam Bankman-Fried. His tastes reportedly include artists like Weeknd, Khalid, and Sia. It prompts the question: who even listens to the top 100 tracks filling Billboard’s lists?

Honestly, I’m not bothered by the dubiousness surrounding it all. Bankman-Fried should probably remain behind bars until he sincerely apologizes to Becky G.