I woke up Wednesday morning feeling sad, anxious, and angry. Democracy is dead.

role of Don McLean once sang“On the day the music died, something deep inside touched me.” In fact, in the early morning hours of November 6, the music died. And I was impressed.

If Donald Trump won, I was thinking of moving to Canada and opening a wellness marijuana center. Something about Canada’s irrelevance, sticky buds for people™ And socialized medicine was appealing to me. It felt like both Gaki and Kamala wanted that. I came up with the idea of ​​going south, but starting a wellness center in Mexico could take business away from local, hard-working ethnic cartel members.

But I thought better of it. This is my country too. We cannot leave America to the fascists. I didn’t just fall from a coconut tree. i exist inside this Context, everything was in front of me. And despite losing Kamala, I still have the opportunity to express what I can without being held back by the burdens of the past. (Stream the Daily Caller’s latest documentary “Cleaning Up Kamila” here)

Kamara and Coach Walz told us, “If we fight, we will win.” I believe these lines to be true, even if I lose in a landslide. I’m still with her and I’m still going to fight.

On that note, we would like to proudly announce that The Daily Caller is opening a physical safe space for residents of the Washington, DC metro. We will also begin teletherapy sessions hosted by Yours True. This session will serve as a digital safe haven for people across the country who are angry and shocked by these election results.

following in the footsteps Our esteemed academic institution’s physically safe space offers cookies and milk, hot cocoa, coloring books, Star Wars Lego sets, drag costumes, free head shaves for women protesting Trump’s victory, and more. A treatment will be provided. (We’re not explicitly offering marijuana. Other than that, just look at the crazy homeless man wandering the alley.) Signed up for a safe space session in Washington, D.C. The first five people will receive a $25 Gwyneth Paltrow gift card. At the Goop store, you can shop all kinds of self-care products to get you through the coming months.

Overall, we aim to cultivate a room with “”.Anti-bullying windows and anti-troll doors” figuratively. We also plan to bring in pit bulls from underserved minority communities throughout the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area. We hope these kind and loving animals will act as therapy dogs to comfort politically bereaved families.

Regarding remote sessions, the first session will be held this Sunday at 8:00 PM EST. We are pleased to announce that we will be joined by Dr. Artemis Lacks, a world-renowned expert in the emerging field of election trauma. Lacks has published numerous articles in the New England Journal of Transgender Political Research and recently won a grant from Michelle Obama and the Obama Foundation. She leads us into a deep-breathing session, then lectures us on why we must view American politics through a postmodern queer lens. Please join us.

In the meantime, try to stay safe outside, away from the safe spaces of reality. It’s a dark time for America, especially Puerto Ricans and wealthy, liberal women on the Upper East Side. But, as Kamala says, stars are brightest in the dark. We will overcome it all and shine brightly. Joy comes in the morning!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAq​HP4USDV8

This article is satire.