At Starbucks, it’s fascinating to see how customers really curate their coffee. You might overhear someone ordering a “Venti Iced Skinny Vanilla Latte with sugar-free syrup, extra shots, light ice, and oat milk.” And there are more people behind them, each with their own elaborate preferences. It’s like every detail, from the coffee temperature to the foam density and even the cup type, is perfectly tailored to individual tastes.

Our grandparents, however, seemed to keep things simple. They often chose just two types of coffee: plain and black. It’s interesting to think about how today’s orders contrast with their experiences.

Even music is personalized now, through curated playlists. Gone are the days where you had to deal with radio stations. Imagine telling a group of teenagers to use a Walkman for a week! They would probably be horrified!

Paradox of choice

It’s clear people enjoy customizing their experiences, myself included. But you have to wonder: shouldn’t this be the golden age for agencies that help people make their choices? Yet, it’s as if true autonomy is more of an illusion.

In reality, this so-called agency may just mask the limited options we actually have. So, the burning question remains: does all this customization lead to genuine peace, or is it merely an illusion of control?

Paradox of choice

Barry Schwartz, a professor at Swarthmore College, pointed out the Paradox of choice. He notes that having so many options often makes it hard to choose at all. Even after making a choice, we’re still haunted by the possibilities we didn’t select.

He continues, “With more choices, you tend to regret the selections you make.” Think about it: deciding between moving to New York post-college or going to law school—those choices can lead to significant regret about paths not taken. A life that feels entirely unchosen.

Absurd expectations

All this customization might be setting future generations up for disappointment. Life, in reality, is often unplanned. It’s not all about making the right choice; many things are just random.

We don’t get to choose our parents. We don’t select our genes or the flaws that come with them.

We can’t even curate our marriages. We might pick our partners, but we can’t foresee how relationships will evolve over time. Those who end up divorced often seem entirely different from who they were when they first married.

The same goes for children. You might wish for a boy and two girls, but you could end up with three boys instead.

And our attempts to overprogram our kids often backfire. Kids have their own paths, and trying to mold them can lead to frustration for everyone involved.

No one really curates their career either. You may choose a path, but the twists along the way are unpredictable. Life’s events are a mix of fortune and misfortune.

These unanticipated experiences shape us in ways we can’t always anticipate, showing that life isn’t always the carefully curated scenario we’d like. The real choice lies in how we respond to the unforeseen events life throws at us.

Defeating discomfort

We often try to dodge uncomfortable situations. Yet, many will argue that discomfort is where we truly grow. It’s in those tough moments that we gather wisdom.

Life lessons come from our failures, losses, and mistakes. Through these painful experiences, we learn to face reality and appreciate life more deeply.

Someone who has endured a heartbreak sees love in a whole different light.

Parents who have lost a child grasp the fragility of life.

Those who’ve battled cancer value their health in ways many may never understand.

These moments teach us that life isn’t something we can control or curate.

Interestingly, true agency might emerge from limitations. It comes from letting go of the illusion of control and embracing a life with faith and courage. Schwartz notes, “Perhaps we’d be better off if we accepted certain voluntary constraints on our choices instead of fighting against them.”

What happens when it comes to surrender?

So here’s something to ponder: what if you stopped trying to make life perfect and simply lived it as it is?

Life doesn’t have to be perfectly customized. It’s actually quite unpredictable in how it unfolds.

Often, the most challenging moments turn into the most meaningful experiences. What if you let passion and sadness guide you to something deeper?

We aren’t here to shape our lives to perfection. Instead, we undergo transformation, and that often happens when we surrender control and, in a sense, just accept life, like ordering a simple cup of black coffee.

I’d genuinely like to know your thoughts on this. Let me know what you think.

Tom Green lives in Atlanta, Georgia, with his wife and pet dog. You can find more of his work at www.tomgreene.com.